I suck at blogging

I always say that I am gonna write everyday or every week or just write constantly but nope. I am always just too lazy or distracted to do it. I never get in the zone maybe I should try vlogging cuz then it’s just me talking… although then i would have to get ready and I don’t even do that.

I think I’m depressed. Life has been a whirlwind and I’m happy but at the same time I’m not. I don’t have any kind of motivation, for nothing. For pictures, for hiking, for writing, for exercising. I just don’t want to do anything. I know I have to do things so I do but I don’t want to.

We have a puppy now, and I love her, and I am so happy but I don’t even want to play with her. Like she’s adorable and I know I have to be there for her and love her and play with her but I don’t even have the energy for that.

I just want to eat junk food, and sweets and sleep and I just don’t even know.

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How did I get here? 

In the backseat of the truck, Cam is driving and some homeless dude is in the passenger side. Cam has been driving around for the last two maybe three hours trying to find someone to ask about where to find them or how to or what. And he did. He found some guy and he asked him and sat there and convinced him to take him to meet someone. I’m afraid he’s going to pull out a gun on us and rob us. Is that bad? 

I almost just lied, damn. I started typing something that I knew was not true. But I wanted to make the situation seem better than it actually is… which is shitty. I almost did the one thing I promised not to do. I am so cared and so sketched out. 

Cam says he’s hoping to get suboxone, that the guy might know where to get them. I think I’m gonna be sick. I refused to get down the truck, so I’m here with the two of them. I mean where would I even go you know? The guy actually talked to me. And he seemed respectful. 

I’m typing this as it happens by the way. Like this is happening today, right now, as I type. We are here. Ugh. All I can think of is, what I could be doing if I had dated that kid that wanted to be a doctor when I went to college, or if I had made it work with Cortland or anyone else that seemed or showed interest at all at any point of my life. 

We are in some sketchy mobile home park, and we are just sitting here, waiting for the guy to come back. I don’t even feel mad, I feel like I’ve been here before, getting mad or upset isn’t going to help anything. Leave is what I need to do. Forget about workamping, forget about trying to make shit work. I need to leave. I don’t know why I stay, I don’t know why I’m here. 

Sad

Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing, I’m all alone with no money in a strange place, filled with strangers. I have one person that I’m supposed to count on and he isn’t very reliable. And I hate thinking that because I feel like everybody around me told me that, and I took a chance and it didn’t work out and now I’m stuck. I know I can leave or kick him out whenever I want. I mean it might not be ideal, but I know I can. But I also don’t want to admit that I was wrong. I miss my mom, even my dad. I don’t miss all my friends but some I do… Actually no I don’t. I miss my parents, my mom specially because she is still sick. But I only miss my friends when I’m bored.. Like if I wish I could go out and have a drink at a bar, or to the mall or to eat.. but i think I miss all that because we haven’t been able to do that in a while, and that’s the biggest problem. I can’t do anything while with Cameron. We haven’t even gone to the beach or anything in like two weeks, what we came here to do we didn’t. And he’s not clean and our house is falling apart, and our relationship is falling apart and for what? Nothing because we haven’t even exploring and all we have been doing is watching Netflix.

I dont know if I can keep doing this. He is off working right now, but whats gonna happen when he comes back? He’s going to spend whatever money he got from working on drugs, thats what. And then things are gonna be just as bad as always. I’m trying to be positive but things haven’t changed at all. And every time I try to be optimistic things just get worse, I can’t help but feel like this was a big mistake. I don’t even know if I love him still.

I think I do. I feel like I do. But I’m just so mad, all the time. I can’t keep my temper, and I’m not happy and sweet like I used to be. I haven’t even cried that much anymore, because now instead of feeling betrayed and sad, I’m just done. I don’t know. I just don’t know. I hope things turn out. I hope things change for the better, but right now it feels like there is a huge pile of crap on my chest.