I always say that I am gonna write everyday or every week or just write constantly but nope. I am always just too lazy or distracted to do it. I never get in the zone maybe I should try vlogging cuz then it’s just me talking… although then i would have to get ready and I don’t even do that.
I think I’m depressed. Life has been a whirlwind and I’m happy but at the same time I’m not. I don’t have any kind of motivation, for nothing. For pictures, for hiking, for writing, for exercising. I just don’t want to do anything. I know I have to do things so I do but I don’t want to.
We have a puppy now, and I love her, and I am so happy but I don’t even want to play with her. Like she’s adorable and I know I have to be there for her and love her and play with her but I don’t even have the energy for that.
I just want to eat junk food, and sweets and sleep and I just don’t even know.
I’m in a hospital room, the walls are bluish grey, the lights are dimmed. Cam is dozing off on the bed. He is withdrawing from heroin. Again. For what seems like the billionth time. We got here last night after a long day of driving and arguing, we found a place to camp for the night and then this morning we found the methadone clinic. Except his insurance is from Washington. And it doesn’t work here, and with out insurance is $350 dollars induction fee plus $100 dollars for the week. Which is basically all the money we have. So the next option was to see what the ER could do for him. They basically said that he could go to detox with prescriptions they would give him or he could just walk out with out nothing. He almost chose to walk out, but decided to try detox.
I can’t help but think about how young the doctor is, how he’s the same age as Cam. And I can’t help but think what if I had dated someone like the doctor instead? What if I’m supposed to be with someone like that? Cam is snoring as I write this, we barely slept last night, and I’m just sitting here typing this on my phone feeling hungry and tired and done. Cam cried when he made the decision to go to detox, supposedly because he was upset that he has made himself go through this yet again. Because he is concern about what I’m gonna do and tell our new employer whom we haven’t even met. I don’t even know how I feel, I’m just indifferent, I’m empty?
I feel like I’m at a crossroads, I’m continuing on straight on this path, but I’m looking to my right and left wondering if they’re better. Or maybe, I missed the turn at the last crossroad, and now I’m going straight and I’m looking for a right or left turn, I can’t turn back but going forward doesn’t feel right anymore. So what do I do?
I can’t just decide to leave, this is scary. So I’m stuck going forward hoping that it will get better, And if it doesn’t then hopefully at the next turn I have the courage to take it. I can’t keep going like this, I hate it. I hate the situation and myself and him.