How did I get here? 

In the backseat of the truck, Cam is driving and some homeless dude is in the passenger side. Cam has been driving around for the last two maybe three hours trying to find someone to ask about where to find them or how to or what. And he did. He found some guy and he asked him and sat there and convinced him to take him to meet someone. I’m afraid he’s going to pull out a gun on us and rob us. Is that bad? 

I almost just lied, damn. I started typing something that I knew was not true. But I wanted to make the situation seem better than it actually is… which is shitty. I almost did the one thing I promised not to do. I am so cared and so sketched out. 

Cam says he’s hoping to get suboxone, that the guy might know where to get them. I think I’m gonna be sick. I refused to get down the truck, so I’m here with the two of them. I mean where would I even go you know? The guy actually talked to me. And he seemed respectful. 

I’m typing this as it happens by the way. Like this is happening today, right now, as I type. We are here. Ugh. All I can think of is, what I could be doing if I had dated that kid that wanted to be a doctor when I went to college, or if I had made it work with Cortland or anyone else that seemed or showed interest at all at any point of my life. 

We are in some sketchy mobile home park, and we are just sitting here, waiting for the guy to come back. I don’t even feel mad, I feel like I’ve been here before, getting mad or upset isn’t going to help anything. Leave is what I need to do. Forget about workamping, forget about trying to make shit work. I need to leave. I don’t know why I stay, I don’t know why I’m here. 

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Crossroads

I’m in a hospital room, the walls are bluish grey, the lights are dimmed. Cam is dozing off on the bed. He is withdrawing from heroin. Again. For what seems like the billionth time. We got here last night after a long day of driving and arguing, we found a place to camp for the night and then this morning we found the methadone clinic. Except his insurance is from Washington. And it doesn’t work here, and with out insurance is $350 dollars induction fee plus $100 dollars for the week. Which is basically all the money we have. So the next option was to see what the ER could do for him. They basically said that he could go to detox with prescriptions they would give him or he could just walk out with out nothing. He almost chose to walk out, but decided to try detox. 

I can’t help but think about how young the doctor is, how he’s the same age as Cam. And I can’t help but think what if I had dated someone like the doctor instead? What if I’m supposed to be with someone like that? Cam is snoring as I write this, we barely slept last night, and I’m just sitting here typing this on my phone feeling hungry and tired and done. Cam cried when he made the decision to go to detox, supposedly because he was upset that he has made himself go through this yet again. Because he is concern about what I’m gonna do and tell our new employer whom we haven’t even met. I don’t even know how I feel, I’m just indifferent, I’m empty? 

I feel like I’m at a crossroads, I’m continuing on straight on this path, but I’m looking to my right and left wondering if they’re better. Or maybe, I missed the turn at the last crossroad, and now I’m going straight and I’m looking for a right or left turn, I can’t turn back but going forward doesn’t feel right anymore. So what do I do? 

I can’t just decide to leave, this is scary. So I’m stuck going forward hoping that it will get better, And if it doesn’t then hopefully at the next turn I have the courage to take it. I can’t keep going like this, I hate it. I hate the situation and myself and him. 

He’s a Dreamer

We are in a rest stop somewhere in Idaho, we spent the night here but haven’t gone anywhere yet because Cam is withdrawing. I could drive but I think he’s waiting for it be later in the afternoon so when we roll in to Salt Lake he can hit up his old dealer. Two days sober, because he had to be is better than nothing right? 

It makes me so sad because you should hear him talk about his hopes and dreams. It also scares me because if his hopes and dreams aren’t realistic then why try. He wants to build tiny houses, he wants to bring his daughter along with us, he wants to find a remodeling job like the one he use to have. He wants to get a smaller trailer for us, no he wants to get a fifth wheel, or a camper. Maybe a van. A bus is what he really wanted in the first place, let’s do that!  He wants to buy an enduro, or a 4wheel, he wants to remodel our trailer and get a king bed in here somehow. 

He loves to dream, and maybe heroin helps him with that. His dreams are not always big. I mean he wants to get back into rock climbing and 100% encourage him to do so and hope he does, he wants to join a gym, I really hope he does too. Get a mountain bike, that might be harder to do because we are dirt poor, but yes it can be done. 

I think he loves living in his head, and that’s scary. It’s great to have dreams and to dream big but if your dreams are not realistic then what? We barely have money for gas, we need other things first before enduros or tattoos. But at the same time I feel like if he has the ability to dream big, it means that he still has hope right? 

I’m really sad

IMG_1191

Cam at Ruby Beach, WA.

I am always in a bad mood, I am always ornery or stressed out or sad or upset or crying. I cannot remember a day in this journey where all I did was just smile all day. It’s always be mad, cry, smile, be mad again. I blame Cam, I really do. He says it’s my choice. It’s my choice to cry, its my choice to be upset.

Which is true, but I cry because he has spent our last 20 dollars on heroin instead of food. I get upset because he’s high a 3 am and wants me to stay up and watch movies with him and cuddle and have sex but I work the next day. I am always ornery because if he’s not high and I want to cuddle he tells me to go away and stop bugging him because he feels sick. I get mad because I need a new pair of glasses, I am to the point where my depth perception is off because my prescription is so old, and he says we don’t have money for that. Yet in February he spent over $1,000 on heroin.

Today is my last day as a volunteer, I got another job lined up for us in Colorado. He is already trying to get out of working there. He is saying I could work there for our spot, and he will go look for a job at the nearest city. I am stressing out, because we have to drive home first get the trailer looked at first and then go to our next spot. I just don’t think that’s gonna go as smoothly as it should.

I know that this is an abusive relationship, I have tried to talk to him about it and he denies it. That alone tells me that I am right. He doesn’t beat me, he doesn’t yell or shout at me, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel abused. His addiction always comes first. We rotate around him and his needs for heroin. He manipulates me, he lies to me, he’s not romantic. When I act silly, he gets mad, he can act silly because he’s high, I can’t because I’m sober.

Yet, despite all that. It’s my fault. Because I’m the one that stays. Because I’m the one that doesn’t just kick him out and let him fend for himself and let him get home however he can. It’s my fault because I’m the one that is not strong enough to say no, I’m the one that let’s him get to me and my emotions.

I keep thinking that it will get better once we get out of this tiny rainy town, he did great last summer. We are pretty sure he has that seasonal depression thing, and this place doesn’t help with that because it is always so grey. So we keep thinking once he is in a warmer, dryer place and he can start all his climbing, running, hiking, biking, etc.. he’ll be better. Last winter he started to get bad too, but the summer he did good. So maybe this time it’ll be the same? Then I will find a job somewhere like Arizona or California where the weather is always a bit warm and sunny.

I keep telling myself to just wait, to be patient, to be okay. I’m just so sad. And scared.

Feeling sorry for myself

Edit: I need to start hitting the publish the button more often, old post that I didn’t notice I hadn’t posted.

 

via Daily Prompt: Blindly

I have believed in him, time after time. When i should have left, at the beginning when i was naive, when i pretended to know more about things than i actually did. When he started lying and stealing money from me, and my debit card. When he put himself first always, and still continues to do so. When he jeopardized everything we had, everything i had. I gave him my money, my credit, my love, and one year of my life. And i continue to do so. I should be done, i should be ready to walk away. I should be done.

I don’t understand why i so blindly cling to him, cling to something we could have but haven’t had ever. He is going to be 30 years old addicted to heroin, living on the streets.. do i really want the father of my kids to be a heroin addict?

Rehab

Cameron is in rehab. One day we where fighting about what he was doing and how he couldn’t see how bad it was.. and I guess he did because the next morning he called and there was a bed opening and he left. I never actually expected him to be accepted.. I know we talked about it and I know that we where sort of hoping for it, but i never actually thought it would happen. And if it did happen then it would only be for a few days… now he might be gone for a whole month. And so much is happening.

The truck.. the other truck, the trailer, working for Jeff, the cleaning.. and he can’t worry about any of that.. because he needs to be focus on his recovery and thats it. Nothing else should be in his head, because we need him to be well.

And now I’m applying to a different summer job because Jeff is an ass. And what if we don’t get the one in Durango like he wants to.. will that be bad too? And what if we run away from one ass hole boss to another ass hole boss.. or worse one. I just want things to be okay.

Also if he gets out.. and he’s different and I can’t handle him.. or i feel left out.. or I can’t keep up with him so he doesn’t include me in things but i can’t be mad at him because then i would hinder his recovery… but I also can’t tip toe around him for the rest of our lives..

Ranting about things I let conquered me

via Daily Prompt: Conquer

I was going to write about conquering fears.. But have I really? Conquering means that you have taken control over something, or have overcome something. But all I have managed to do is let everything else conquer me. My boyfriend, his addiction, my feelings. I don’t know. How do you even know when you have conquered something?

I thought I would be conquering things right and left on this trip. I thought, we would both be out and getting healthy and hiking and exercising everyday and having fun and eating good food and being productive. Conquering his addiction, and our relationship and our feelings, and our health and hikes and beaches. I don’t know what I thought, I don’t know what to think.

Instead, his addiction is just as bad, he hates it here, and we don’t do anything. And we are letting our feelings conquer us, and things are not what they where supposed to be.. And I want to be optimistic and think.. well we conquered the broken sewer hose, and we conquered the food stamps, and we conquered the snow, and the drive here.. but I feel like I’m just fishing for things. Plus he was high during all of that, or in a bad mood and barely trying. Or I did things by myself because he was out of it, and didn’t want to help. Or didn’t want to do it right then, or couldn’t because he was in so much pain. The truth is.. he has been gone for a day and a half and I am already picturing myself conquering everything with out him. And I feel indifferent about it.