I always say that I am gonna write everyday or every week or just write constantly but nope. I am always just too lazy or distracted to do it. I never get in the zone maybe I should try vlogging cuz then it’s just me talking… although then i would have to get ready and I don’t even do that.
I think I’m depressed. Life has been a whirlwind and I’m happy but at the same time I’m not. I don’t have any kind of motivation, for nothing. For pictures, for hiking, for writing, for exercising. I just don’t want to do anything. I know I have to do things so I do but I don’t want to.
We have a puppy now, and I love her, and I am so happy but I don’t even want to play with her. Like she’s adorable and I know I have to be there for her and love her and play with her but I don’t even have the energy for that.
I just want to eat junk food, and sweets and sleep and I just don’t even know.
I mean I love the area, but the job sucks ass. And I have six more weeks to go before the season ends but i doubt i’ll make it, I am fantasizing about leaving any day now. Six more weeks and I will write a full review on why this place sucks.
I work for you, you are not my father, you are not my friend, your opinion is not wanted nor welcomed. You think my lifestyle sucks ass, you think that because I’m a millennial I don’t know what hard work is. You think I am entitled and spoiled because my parents gave me everything they could. You think that you are better because you grew up in a generation that had to work for everything they had with out any new technology. This is what I have to say about that. Fuck you.
Fuck you, and your opinion. I did not come here to get a lecture, I did not come here for you to dictate my life. I am not your daughter, I am not your niece, or even someone you know enough to make any of those judgements. You don’t know who I am or what I am capable of. You have known me for less than a month. I work for you, you should be telling me how grateful that a young couple has fallen into your lap and is willing to do this kind of work for you. You should realize what blessing it is to have able bodies working for you. I will leave and someone will appreciate me and my youth. And you? You will get a regular workamper who is retired, that may or may not have the stamina of a young 25 year old. Who may or may not be as fast. I am not denying that they will probably have more knowledge, more wisdom, more experience under their belt. But can they lift 100+ lbs.? Can they run around for 8 hours straight during one of your banquets serving and busing tables and cleaning and picking up thrash? How many retired people have you seen working at a restaurant? Either as a server, bar tender, or cook?
You know you need me, us, more than we need you. You know that we will find another job within the week. You know you don’t have your shit together and are trying to blame me for your lack of preparedness. You’re right, if I leave this job the next workamping job will have me do the exact same thing that you are having me do. But they may not be jerks like you and your son, they may be more organized and more prepared and more knowledgeable, they may be nicer and more dedicated. You are not about to tell me that you think this is the very best there is, because if thats what you think then you are so full of yourself.
I feel good about myself, I am happy about my life choices. When I am old I won’t care about material things, I will care about all the wonderful memories I have all over the beautiful states. I will remember my adventures fondly, and you will be so irrelevant I will not remember you.
In the backseat of the truck, Cam is driving and some homeless dude is in the passenger side. Cam has been driving around for the last two maybe three hours trying to find someone to ask about where to find them or how to or what. And he did. He found some guy and he asked him and sat there and convinced him to take him to meet someone. I’m afraid he’s going to pull out a gun on us and rob us. Is that bad?
I almost just lied, damn. I started typing something that I knew was not true. But I wanted to make the situation seem better than it actually is… which is shitty. I almost did the one thing I promised not to do. I am so cared and so sketched out.
Cam says he’s hoping to get suboxone, that the guy might know where to get them. I think I’m gonna be sick. I refused to get down the truck, so I’m here with the two of them. I mean where would I even go you know? The guy actually talked to me. And he seemed respectful.
I’m typing this as it happens by the way. Like this is happening today, right now, as I type. We are here. Ugh. All I can think of is, what I could be doing if I had dated that kid that wanted to be a doctor when I went to college, or if I had made it work with Cortland or anyone else that seemed or showed interest at all at any point of my life.
We are in some sketchy mobile home park, and we are just sitting here, waiting for the guy to come back. I don’t even feel mad, I feel like I’ve been here before, getting mad or upset isn’t going to help anything. Leave is what I need to do. Forget about workamping, forget about trying to make shit work. I need to leave. I don’t know why I stay, I don’t know why I’m here.
I’m in a hospital room, the walls are bluish grey, the lights are dimmed. Cam is dozing off on the bed. He is withdrawing from heroin. Again. For what seems like the billionth time. We got here last night after a long day of driving and arguing, we found a place to camp for the night and then this morning we found the methadone clinic. Except his insurance is from Washington. And it doesn’t work here, and with out insurance is $350 dollars induction fee plus $100 dollars for the week. Which is basically all the money we have. So the next option was to see what the ER could do for him. They basically said that he could go to detox with prescriptions they would give him or he could just walk out with out nothing. He almost chose to walk out, but decided to try detox.
I can’t help but think about how young the doctor is, how he’s the same age as Cam. And I can’t help but think what if I had dated someone like the doctor instead? What if I’m supposed to be with someone like that? Cam is snoring as I write this, we barely slept last night, and I’m just sitting here typing this on my phone feeling hungry and tired and done. Cam cried when he made the decision to go to detox, supposedly because he was upset that he has made himself go through this yet again. Because he is concern about what I’m gonna do and tell our new employer whom we haven’t even met. I don’t even know how I feel, I’m just indifferent, I’m empty?
I feel like I’m at a crossroads, I’m continuing on straight on this path, but I’m looking to my right and left wondering if they’re better. Or maybe, I missed the turn at the last crossroad, and now I’m going straight and I’m looking for a right or left turn, I can’t turn back but going forward doesn’t feel right anymore. So what do I do?
I can’t just decide to leave, this is scary. So I’m stuck going forward hoping that it will get better, And if it doesn’t then hopefully at the next turn I have the courage to take it. I can’t keep going like this, I hate it. I hate the situation and myself and him.
Sorry for the lack of posts lately, being back in the city is hectic. We have so much going on, but at the same time we feel like we have nothing to do. We are staying at my parents house while our trailer is at the rv place, so it’s kinda awkward but it’s better than having to pay a hotel or something, plus we don’t have that kind of money right now. I will try to write a legit blog post sometime soon. I just wanted to let you guys know that I am still here and I will try to make sure I keep some sort of schedule.. for sure at least once a week.
We are in a rest stop somewhere in Idaho, we spent the night here but haven’t gone anywhere yet because Cam is withdrawing. I could drive but I think he’s waiting for it be later in the afternoon so when we roll in to Salt Lake he can hit up his old dealer. Two days sober, because he had to be is better than nothing right?
It makes me so sad because you should hear him talk about his hopes and dreams. It also scares me because if his hopes and dreams aren’t realistic then why try. He wants to build tiny houses, he wants to bring his daughter along with us, he wants to find a remodeling job like the one he use to have. He wants to get a smaller trailer for us, no he wants to get a fifth wheel, or a camper. Maybe a van. A bus is what he really wanted in the first place, let’s do that! He wants to buy an enduro, or a 4wheel, he wants to remodel our trailer and get a king bed in here somehow.
He loves to dream, and maybe heroin helps him with that. His dreams are not always big. I mean he wants to get back into rock climbing and 100% encourage him to do so and hope he does, he wants to join a gym, I really hope he does too. Get a mountain bike, that might be harder to do because we are dirt poor, but yes it can be done.
I think he loves living in his head, and that’s scary. It’s great to have dreams and to dream big but if your dreams are not realistic then what? We barely have money for gas, we need other things first before enduros or tattoos. But at the same time I feel like if he has the ability to dream big, it means that he still has hope right?